2024 and unemployment

Tiffany-Morrigan Henebury 392 words 2 minutes

I lost the job I'd worked so hard to get last January. A reasonable person would feel rather pained; but this worked out for me. Working as a dev in a consultancy distressed me. That role wasn't for me at the time. I finished my apprenticeship before I and the company parted.

My days are my own once more. I feel writing here is my own again once more. In a way, I feel like public speech is my own again. I'm uncertain if others feel their employment impacts their public speech. I don't think many do.

I've been enjoying myself. I do not label it working, but most of my time has been spent working on two projects; a basic web app built with Elixir and Phoenix, and a video game, made with Rust and Bevy. I've become fairly experienced with both of those tools.

I'm a little scared of money for a self-held belief I don't understand. I feel monstrous obligation to those I serve, whether I'm a junior dev delivering software that must be fault-impervious, or teaching guitar that must contain the inherent transcendent value of music. Less is failure.

I have a tendency to think in black-and-white. I tend to work myself too hard, as though that might counteract any fault of mine. I am trying to accept that I will make mistakes, I will be responsible for them, and that's okay. I must learn to trust that my future self will deal with those mistakes.

I specifically dislike the responsibility money carries. In my mind, money is responsibility, and I'm scared of what might become of responsible mistakes. Would they lead me to a courtroom? I don't know. Perhaps one day they will, justified or unjustified; guilty or innocent.

Today I'm scared of finishing off a Stripe integration. I don't think many people are scared of a Stripe integration. Reasonably, it's probably just me.

For that reason ( and inherent fun ) I'm enjoying creating a video game with Bevy. It's 2.5D animated pixel art. You can move around a dungeon. Monsters chase you. I hope I finish it one day. Maybe this will become a devlog. Part of me hopes I can make a living from making games, but today that's merely a pipe dream. Today I'm unemployed, and despite my faults; enjoying it.